“create in me a clean heart, O God.  and renew a right spirit within me. ”  psalm 51:10 

“see if there is any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”  psalm 139:24

“then peter came and said to Him, “how often must i forgive my brother who sins against me?  up to seven times?”  and Jesus said, “but I say to you, seventy times seven.”    matthew 18:22

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mary:  “i asked for your help.  where were you?”

the tim:    “i’m sorry, i’ll do better.”

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the tim:     “you threw that away?  i could have fixed it.”

mary:   “i’m sorry, i’ll do better.”

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mary:    “but you said you would be on time.”

the tim:     “i’m sorry, i’ll do better.”

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the tim:       “why the attitude?  what did i do?”

mary:    “i’m sorry, i’ll do better.”

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mary:     “you don’t listen to me.”

the tim:       “i’m sorry, i’ll do better.”

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the tim:      “i’d do anything to help you, if you’d just ASK.”

mary:   “i’m sorry, i’ll do better.”

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being in relationship takes work.  it’s tough.  i don’t always feel like going the distance.  some days are easier than others, and some days we can’t seem to get anything right.  i’m sure you can relate.

i can’t tell you how thankful i am that God brought me a husband i can be completely honest with.  the other day tim and i were talking, and i asked him if he misses being single.  “well, YEAH!” he laughed.  i laughed too, because that would be my exact answer.  and as his heart fondly recalls the adventures of playing music on the road, mine continually aches for those jerusalem school students.

we both miss the seeming ease and simplicity of not having to think much past ourselves.

you would think after more than a year, i would finally be adjusted and settled into this new season.  sometimes i think i am.  i look around at the opportunities i have to love people in my community and speak the peace of Jesus over them, and i am absolutely overwhelmed that God would bring me here.  i spend time with the youth at church, see their passion for the Lord, and float all the way home.  i pray with the women’s class, ladies who are empty and waiting to be filled with God’s agenda, and i end up in a heap on the floor.  i walk into my first-grade classroom every day and thank God for children to love and nurture.  i come home to tim and jared every night and i wonder what i did to deserve such an easy transition.

other days i feel there’s no hope i’ll ever make any real progress, ever fully “step into” this place.  i fight distractions and memories from seasons past, simpler days.  i continually combat the voice of the enemy who tells me i defected “God’s call” and took a wrong turn.  i look at my schedule, and i see myself contributing a little bit in many areas, but i wonder if i’m doing anything well, or if i’m truly making any lasting impact.   on days when it’s hard being part of any kind of team, i battle against giving up, pulling into a shell, and altogether putting away my gifts and personality, especially the rough edges.  wouldn’t it be easier just to agree with everyone?  to NOT have the oppositional opinion?

back to the tim and me…

“i’m sorry, i’ll do better.”  that seems to be the phrase of choice lately.  and it’s working.  then again, forgiveness is like that.  i recently one of the the best books on marriage i’ve ever come across, love and respect.  one of the chapters talks about being willing, in the midst of conflict, to assume that your partner’s HEART INTENT toward you is good, that there is no purpose to be hurtful.  the more tim and i put this into practice, the easier the disagreements, because at the core we assume the best in one another, that whatever was done was not intentional.   moving forward from that point, we are in a position to hear one another clearly, resolve quickly, and forgive easily.  and forgive easily.  and forgive easily.  and forgive easily.

seventy times seven.  yeah, on some days it feels like seventy times seven.

yet here we are.  making it work.  keeping the course.  staying in the Word and prayer, asking God to show us what needs to go, what doesn’t look like Him, what flesh needs to be burned up in the fire of the Holy Spirit.  pressing into God for healing, wisdom, understanding, and revelation.

trusting Jesus, who set the example.  “Father, forgive them…. seventy times seven.”

will we do any less?