“You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.” psalm 32:7

ever feel like you’re surrounded?

surrounded by grief?

loss?

disappointment?

frustration?

sickness?

your own inadequacy?

your own failings?

fear that something will change?

fear that nothing will change?

do you feel surrounded by trouble? the enemy?

2 kings…..
15 When the servant of the man of God got up and went out early the next morning, an army with horses and chariots had surrounded the city. “Oh no, my lord! What shall we do?” the servant asked.

16 “Don’t be afraid,” the prophet answered. “Those who are with us are more than those who are with them.”

17 And Elisha prayed, “Open his eyes, Lord, so that he may see.” Then the Lord opened the servant’s eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.

do you know why you feel surrounded?

BECAUSE WE ARE.

we ARE surrounded.

by grief, loss, frustration, sickness, inadequacy, failing, fear, trouble, and the enemy, just to name a few.

but we’re also surrounded by songs of deliverance!

i’ve read that verse a hundred times and never realized that it is GOD who is doing the singing! God is singing over us, around us, above us, behind us, beside us. the God of the universe sings songs over us.

furthermore….. we are surrounded by that “great cloud of witnesses” that hebrews 12:1 speaks about, numbers so great that we are encouraged to throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.

THROW IT OFF. like bust out and get free. open the eyes of your heart, your spirit, that part of you DESIGNED to perceive God – and choose to see.

see that, although you may be surrounded by the struggles of this life, THOSE STRUGGLES are surrounded by God’s songs of deliverance and by the saints who have gone before you!

you are not alone.

God sees you.

God allowed it.

God has it.

God surrounds you.

oh, God, give us eyes to see…. that more than anything, as we submit to you and trust in you, YOU continually surround us with everything we need.

from the inside out.

“samuel said to saul, ‘tell the attendant to go on ahead of us, but you stay for awhile, and i’ll reveal the word of God to you.”
first samuel 9:9

it’s not about the lost donkeys. it never was.

it’s about getting to the place where the word of God will be spoken.

i love this story…..

one day the “donkeys of saul’s father” wander off . and saul’s dad sends him to look for them.

so saul and his attendant set out on a journey in search of these lost animals. a journey that takes them through quite a few towns. after several days, they run out of food, water, and supplies. and no one has seen these donkeys.

as they approach the last area, unsure what to do, saul suggests looking for “the man of God in this city. he is highly respected; everything he says is sure to come true. let’s go there now. maybe he’ll tell us which way we should go.”

long story short: they don’t even have to find samuel; they “run into” him, because he’s already heard from God a few days before and is on the lookout for saul, in order to deliver the news that he has been chosen by God to be israel’s first king.

“oh, and by the way,” says samuel, “those donkeys you’ve been looking for? they were found days ago.”

did I say I love this story?

you think you’re just looking for lost donkeys, and you end up being anointed king over israel.

it never was about the donkeys. searching for the donkeys was the task God used to get saul to the place where he could hear the words of the Lord.

isn’t it the same for us?

why are we in relationship with God, anyway?

to hear his words and obey him.

Jesus said in all of the gospels that anyone who wants to be his disciple must follow him.

to follow him, we must hear his words.

and God will use whatever it takes to get us to those words.

i reflect on all the tasks in my life – everything from errands to phone calls to my responsibilities in the marketplace – and they take on a whole new meaning.

the tasks themselves are inconsequential. their only function is to get me to the place where the word of the Lord is. sometimes that word will be for me. other times that word will be through me for someone else.

O God, teach me to see tasks and responsibilities as segways to your word: your healing, comforting, loving, disciplining, instructive, directive, all-wise, all-knowing, supernatural word.

give me ears to hear your voice louder than all the others, eyes to see what you are doing, and a heart that always turns toward you.

remind me that even though in the natural realm i’m just searching for lost donkeys, in the spiritual realm i’m on the way to divine revelation.

may I hear and obey.

from the inside out.

“zaccheus, hurry and come down, because today i must stay at your house.” luke 19:5

ever watch the price is right? the audience members listen and watch as, one by one, new names are called. each round is more exciting than the ones before, as participants wait with hopeful anticipation to see who will be chosen next.

“jaidyn white… come on down!”

“jeremy johnson… come on down!”

“hannah jackson…. come on down!” you’re the next contestant on the price is right!”

i wonder if zaccheus had any idea that day, up in the tree, that the man of the hour would call his name to “hurry and come down?” his name. zaccheus. the crooked tax collector with no friends. hated by most, tolerated by a few. of all those gathered to meet and greet Jesus in jericho that day, i bet none would have guessed that zaccheus would be pursued by Jesus.

“zaccheus! yes, you, zaccheus, come on down! you’re the next host for a dinner with Jesus!”

i’d like to have seen the look on zaccheus’ face at that moment.

because it wasn’t zaccheus’ agenda to engage Jesus.

he just wanted to see who he was.

but it WAS Jesus’ agenda to engage zaccheus.

yeah. it was.

not only was it Jesus’ agenda to have a little fun and conversation with zaccheus, he wanted to visit him and stay in his home! a rotten, lying sinner. yep. his house was probably a mess. dirty money hidden all over the place. doctored up books. stolen goods.

and yet.

Jesus pursued him.

why would Jesus do that?

well, he did it all the time.

he never pursued those who thought they were doing alright. he went after those who knew, deep down, that they were desperate and couldn’t save themselves.

i love that about Jesus.

i love that he pursues us.

we don’t ever have to go looking for a savior.

he’s been pursuing us our whole lives.

that’s what the birth of Christ is all about.

heaven touching earth.

not the other way around.

then we would be our own saviors.

and well, that’s just religion.

no.

Jesus comes after us. with an invitation. just like zaccheus.

“hey, ______________ (your name) hurry and come down! because today I must stay at your house! don’t you know i have loved you since before i knit you together inside your momma’s belly? i dance with delight every time you wonder about me, talk to me, question me, and cry out to me. i live for it. i was born for it. i died for it. for you. to engage you.”

relationship with Jesus changed zaccheus. it did.

like on the spot.

even before they went to the house.

right there, in the middle of the street, zaccheus declared that he would give half his possessions to the poor, and whatever he had extorted from anyone, he would pay back four times as much.

FOUR. TIMES.

y’all.

that’s radical.

just hearing Jesus call his name, zaccheus was undone.

changed.

never the same.

so, what about us?

will we have ears for his voice, in the midst of all the others?

and if we do, how will we respond?

HEAR his voice, calling your name at this very moment.

“hurry and come down!

today i must stay at your house.”

how will you answer?

will you trust him to do

a radical, unexpected, unexplainable, miraculous, thing in YOU

from the inside out?

“therefore, I will allure her, bring her into the wilderness, and speak kindly to her.” hosea 2

“who is this coming up from the wilderness, leaning on her Beloved?” song 8

and all this time, these 8 years in the wilderness, i’ve thought i was alone. thought it was a trick from the enemy. or somehow my own fault. a consequence for some… something… i don’t know what. or some defect in me.

how did i miss this? i know His voice.

in the midst of my pain. my emptiness. my deficiency. my longing. my confusion. somehow i missed it.

key word: my. in the wilderness i’ve become focused on myself. to the point that, in my head, my voice became louder than His.

and all this time He’s been waiting right there in the wilderness. my wilderness. waiting for me. because, after all, it is He who called me there in the first place. allured me. led me. walked ahead of me.

why?

to speak kindly to me. to me. just me. with no distractions.

and i’ve heard Him. at times.

and at other times…not.

because i’ve been distracted. desperate. frantic. looking for a way out of my emptiness. my deficiency. my longing. out of this wilderness.

as if.

and now i find that not only was it Him leading me there, but it will be Him who leads me out. brings me out. carries me out.

“who is this, coming up out of the wilderness, leaning on her Beloved?”

it’s me! me! that’s me. i’m on the way out.

how long? how much longer? i don’t know.

but it doesn’t matter, because i’m not alone. i never was. i’m leaning on my Beloved.

it almost makes me want to stay.

thank you, Jesus. You are who you say You are. my Beloved. my Companion. Savior. Healer. Comforter. Revealer. my Fortress. my Deliverer. my Rock. there is no one like you, God. no one compares. heaven is your throne, and earth is your footstool. the clouds are the dust beneath your feet. thank you for this wilderness. for alluring me. for quieting me. for speaking kindly to me. for every word thus far and every word yet to come. keep me at Your feet. there is no other place i want to be. i don’t want to miss anything You have for me. whatever it takes. You are my Provision. my Portion. You are enough. i lean on You. i wait on You. i trust in You. i love you, Lord. i am Yours. from the inside out.

“perfect love casts out fear.” first john 4:18

ever wonder why it’s written that way?
“perfect love casts out FEAR.”
why fear?
why not hate? injustice? sin? evil? loneliness? death?
i think it’s because fear is at the
the root of everything opposite of love.
hate? fear of being controlled.
bitterness? fear of injustice.
jealousy? envy? fear of no provision.
anger? fear of being wrong.
guilt? fear of no forgiveness.
vengeance? fear of no accountability.
loneliness? fear of being invisible.
prejudice? fear of being outnumbered.
and those are just a few.
as opposed to love…
gratitude > thankful Love chooses to give.
generosity > experiencing Love’s provision.
trust > watching Love keep its promises.
faith > believing Love exists, the seen and the unseen.
lack of vengeance > trusting Love to act justly.
lack of guilt > celebrating that Love paid the price.
joy > realizing Love is eternal.
hope > remembering that Love never ends.
peace > confident that Love is sovereign over all.
so it seems i might be struggling with a good bit of fear.
i don’t much like that.
then again, i’m filled with the perfect love of Jesus.
and i very much like that.
i sure do.
because that perfect love inside me?
that perfect love throws down fear.
THROWS. IT. DOWN.
(stop here and do your praise dance)
so God, when fear threatens….
remind me
of the perfect love of Jesus
that throws down fear
making all kinds of room
for perfect love
to rise up and fill me
from the inside out.

“whatever was gain to me i count as loss for the sake of Christ. i count ALL THINGS AS LOSS in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord…..that i may know Him…and the power… and the fellowship…” philippians 3

the companionship of Jesus.
it’s a real thing.
i know, because i’m walking in it.
every. single. day.
my years in nashville have been the most lonely in my life.
not sure why.
they just have been.
and continue to be.
but God…
the companionship of Jesus sustains me.
on those days i think i am losing it.
like… about to crack….wide open.
afraid to even let myself cry.
for fear i won’t be able to stop.
won’t be able to recover.
the companionship of Jesus is there.
when i feel it.
and when i don’t.
His presence is there.
because He says it’s there.
“peace I leave you. My peace.”
“I am the true vine. remain in Me and I will remain in you.”
“I know My sheep.”
“and lo, I am with you always. even until the end of the age.”
are you struggling?
are you in the midst of a painful season?
lonely?
hurting?
suffering loss?
discouraged?
be encouraged.
let the companionship of Jesus sustain you.
CHOOSE TO BELIEVE what He says is true.
will your season change?
it might not anytime soon.
mine hasn’t.
but God…
reminds me that He is there.
with me.
so i have peace.
and great joy.
yes.
GREAT JOY.
because of
the companionship of Jesus.
from the inside out.

“vanity, vanity!” says the teacher, “all is vanity.  everything is meaningless.  what do people gain from all their labors at which they labor under the sun?”  ecclesiastes 1

it’s just a tree.  really.  a tree.

so why did it mean so much to me, to buy this (beautiful yoshino cherry) tree and plant it in just that spot in the front yard?

i don’t know.   it’s not important.

what’s important is that it isn’t going to happen.

i’m letting it go.

sounds trivial, because it is.

except it isn’t.

i asked God this morning why it seemed so important to me.  why i am struggling over a tree.

this is the answer i got:  “it’s the letting go.  you’re in a season of letting go.”

STILL?

um….this is like… year ELEVEN.

it began with me letting go of friends, position, and possessions to move across the waters, spending two years falling in love with that school, that land, and its people.

then letting go of them.

to move again and  begin the journey of  marriage – that partnership, that collaboration, cohabitation, teamwork and compromise.

letting go of my independence.  my way of doing things.

actually, it feels like i’ve been letting go since i was a child.  losing people, places, dreams.

and You’re saying it’s not enough?

okay, then.  the tree goes.

although it’s not really about the tree, is it?  a tree is a thing.  things aren’t what matter.  people matter.  relationships matter.   walking with God matters.  that’s what Jesus said in matthew 22.

“and one of them tested him with this question – ‘teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the law?’ Jesus replied: ‘love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  this is the first and greatest commandment.  and the second is like it: ‘love your neighbor as yourself.  all the law and the prophets hang on these two commandments.’”

so losing things, laying down dreams, not getting my way….  all serve to remind me of what matters most in this life – relationship.

walking with God.   and loving my neighbor.

people.  not things.

vanity, vanity.  it really is vanity.  it really is meaningless.

goodbye, little tree.

i’m letting you go.

“the Lord gives, and the Lord takes away.  may the name of the Lord be praised.”  job 1:21

i don’t even know what to say….

it took all i had to get out of bed this morning.

today is my brother’s birthday.  except he isn’t here to celebrate.

we lost him six weeks ago.

and although he was sick…

no one

no one

no one

expected

that he would not triumph.

the Lord gives, and the Lord takes away….

may the name of the Lord be praised.

may the name of the Lord be praised?

i’m not feeling it.

not today.

today i’m torn apart.

today i grieve.

today i question.

God, help me

my brother is gone

and there is nothing i can do about it.

there are no words for this ache.

no way to describe this loss.

we lost our parents young

and never dreamed

we would not grow old together

with our families.

i’ve never felt more alone.

i believe…

God, help my unbelief…

and yet

and yet

through tears that seem to have taken up permanent residence within my soul

i know

i know

i know

that my God is real

that the heart of my God is moved by my pain.

that Jesus prays for me.

that i am never alone.

the Lord gives, and the Lord takes away….

may the name of the Lord be praised.

from the inside out.

“for you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.”  colossians 3:3

“i have been crucified with Christ and i no longer live, but Christ lives in me.”  galatians 2:20

i’ve never been more uncomfortable in my entire life.  eight years here, and still i don’t feel a sense of being rooted, connected, or belonging.  i think about moving every single day.  i know exactly where i want to be and why.

i could leave tomorrow and never look back.

my husband is a different story altogether.  he’s never been more comfortable.  he’s been here for 19 years and counting.  playing music and starting his own business have kept him connected to a great number of people.

for the most part, he can’t imagine leaving.

it might sound crazy, but being “stuck” here has been a valuable part of my spiritual journey.  i have grown and matured in ways i never could have in a more “comfortable” place.  although i would rather be near longtime friends and family, the intense loneliness i continue to experience in this place has pushed me into greater intimacy with Jesus.

being here has also strengthened my marriage.  with no place else to go, the tim and i have been forced to face and work out our (very real and numerous) difficulties.  in the strangest and most unpredictable way, my (polar opposite) husband has become my best friend.

sometimes the best thing is to continue to be uncomfortable.

sometimes the best thing is to not get what you want.

sometimes the best thing is to be reminded that you are not your own.

the scriptures say that as followers of Jesus, we live the exchanged life.  since Jesus took our place and gave his life for ours, we receive his life in exchange.  what used to be my desires, my goals, and my direction become His desires, His goals, His direction.

what do we receive for making that trade?

eternity in heaven with the Lover of our souls.

and so this is where i land…..

it doesn’t really matter where I live.  that’s just geography.

what does matter is the condition of my heart:

do i have eyes to see his hand?

do i have ears to hear his voice louder than all the others?

do i have a heart that turns toward him?

the truth is, the more comfortable i am, the less likely i am to experience him as fully.

so today, i’m thanking God for his design on my journey.  i’m thanking him for this long, uncomfortable season which could very well last the rest of my life.

correction:  His life. 

our life.

the exchanged life.

“my Father will love them, and we will come to them, and make our home with them.”

  John 14:23

so i am sitting on an airplane watching two fathers with their babies.

yes.  FATHERS.

the mothers are snoozing, and it’s the fathers who are embracing their little ones.  stroking their hair.  soothing them.  feeding them.  whispering over them.

it is precious.

fathers get a bum rap too often these days.

it’s not fair.

there are lots of good fathers out there.

more than we realize.

at my school, many dads are stepping up.

they bring special lunches to their children.  they send in money for field trips.  they come to parties.  they sign homework folders.  they text the teacher to check on behavior.  they request conferences.  they volunteer on field day.  they dress up as santa.  they send emails and come to PTO performances.

we need to affirm these fathers.  for their very valuable contributions.

they are swimming upstream.

the world isn’t for them right now.

the world is wrong.

i lost my dad at age 10.  he checked out voluntarily.  i didn’t understand then, but i get it now.  and i forgive him.

i have a few sweet memories of my dad.

the day he brought home a puppy for the three of us.  the way he raked the leaves into a huge pile so we could jump in them.  walking on the beach behind him, embarrassed because he was wearing bermuda shorts, black socks, and dress shoes.  the yellow legal pads spread out on the dining room table (the work of an accountant is never done.)

i don’t remember much more before the age of 10.  they say childhood trauma kind of arrests you emotionally.  can erase some of your memories.  i guess that’s what happened.  but i do have those few to call my own.

psalm 27 says, “my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me up.”

i’ve experienced that.  i have.

by the time i was 30, i had no parents.  no children.

and my husband was on the way out the door.

so God, who had already become my Father, became my husband.

became my children.

it was a bittersweet season.

i want to encourage you, if you’ve suffered a deficiency…

if your father was unavailable in any way…

God waits.

God longs.

God exists.

to be your good, good Father.

the father who will soothe you.

embrace you.

feed you.

speak His word over you.

let Him.

let Him embrace you.

let Him feed you.

let Him speak His word over you.

let Him be your good, good Father.