“for I go to prepare a place for you.”  john 14

“do not love the world, nor the things of the world.  if anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him…and the world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God abides forever.”  first john 2

i spent the morning running errands around the white house.  it took me all of 30 minutes to drop off utility payments, stop in at the post office, grab a few groceries, and shop at the dollar store.

when people ask me about living in white house, i compare it to mayberry.  seriously.  lots of hometown folks, small local businesses, there’s history in this town.  farmland and trees.   and  i can walk anywhere i need to go.  anywhere.  

there’s always a tractor or two on the road, and there seem to be a lot of elderly people driving around in pick up trucks.  if you stop by hardee’s between 7-9, the same group of rowdy retired citizens will be there every morning to invite you into their conversation.  or argument.  or local gossip.  hehehe.

it doesn’t take much time to feel like you belong.  i mean, the crew at waffle house knows us by name.

we live next to the ballpark.  lots of noise, bright lights, cheering, and happy families (unless the team loses.) up the street and across the main road is sonic; we walk up there in the summertime for half-price milkshakes.

it’s wonderful.  peaceful.  safe.

it’s home.

except it isn’t.

as comfortable as it feels living here, i have to remember this isn’t my home.  this isn’t my stopping place.  this is simply the assignment for this season of my journey with God.  we may stay here.  we may not.  it doesn’t really matter.  what does matter is that i hear God’s voice over me during this season of living here and that i carry out His purposes for the season.

and i do that, in each season, until he calls me home.  to my real home.  my final stopping place.

my real home is in heaven.  it’s being prepared for me.   by Jesus.  right now.

yep.  i believe all that stuff in the scriptures about eternity and spending it with Jesus in another place,  after this place, completely different from this place.

we gotta be careful.  it’s so easy to settle in here.  to become distracted by the things of the world, the people of the world, the problems of the world.  to want to accumulate and build something of value that will last, something we can even pass on to our children.

except none of this is going to last.

the only thing that will last… is a saving relationship with God through Jesus.  if we can pass that on, if we can teach our children (and others) to build that, then we’ll leave behind something of real value.  something that will guide them through each of their seasons here.  something that will carry them into eternity.

oh, God, give me an eternal mindset.  remind me that everything of this world is temporary, fading away, gone in a moment.  only relationship with You will carry over into the next life.  give me eyes to see Your hand, ears to hear Your voice above all the others, and a heart that turns toward You.

i want to be ready to meet You.

teach me how to make disciples, how to throw courage and wisdom on others, how to leave a Godly heritage, so that those around me will also be ready.

for the place You’re preparing for us.

“for by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God, not as a result of works, that no one should boast.”  ephesians 2:8,9

TODAY was all about my husband.  i worked nonstop for several hours.  i’m talking hard work.  organizing. moving furniture. cleaning out.  and attacking a very scary garage.  every project around the house was done for his benefit.  to lift his load.  to give him more time to rest.  to help his business run more efficiently.  to reduce clutter and distraction, enabling him to focus on what is most important.

he was (mostly) pleasantly surprised tonight when he arrived home.  he saw it.  took it in.  realized the intentional planning.  the time.  the effort.  the accomplishment.

as we sat on the sofa he took my hand and said, “what did i do to deserve this today?”  my response (smirking, then serious:)  “nothing, sweetie.  you don’t deserve it.  it’s just for love.  it’s that thing Jesus teaches us to do.”

and here’s the truth:  he doesn’t deserve it.  and neither do i.  and neither do you.  we all fall miserably short of being worthy to receive any special treatment or recognition.  and yet.  Jesus died.  chose to die.  yes, chose it.

don’t believe that stuff about someone “killing Jesus.”  don’t even let someone pull you into that discussion.

Jesus answered that question long before it was asked.

“I lay down my life that I may take it again.  no one takes it away from me, but I lay it down on my own initiative.”  John 10:17, 18

salvation is a gift.  Jesus’ gift of love to you.  to me.  a gift offered to us, not on the basis of anything we’ve done.  no amount of goodness, kindness, generosity, love, religion, or selflessness could ever be enough to earn the gift of salvation.  we do those things in response to His love for us, not in an effort to earn it.

part of journeying with God is learning to live that way.  the Jesus way.  loving people who don’t deserve it.  throwing grace on those who should receive far less.

gifting people with kindness just because.

just because it’s the Jesus way.

“blessed be God, Who has not turned away my prayer, nor His lovingkindness from me.”  

psalm 66:20

there are so many things i thank Him for.  His word, His voice, provision, wisdom, forgiveness, peace, healing.

but mostly i thank God for His presence.  His faithful, never-ending, very real presence in my life.  sometimes i feel it.  sometimes i don’t.  but if i believe the scriptures, and i do, then i can always know that i can choose to walk in the atmosphere of the presence of God.  i can dialogue with Him silently or aloud, confident that He will always love me, always hear me, always answer me, never turn away my prayer.  what a gift that is.  the best gift.

today is my birthday.  today i turn 54 years old.  if i’m still here in november, i  will have outlived my mother and my father.  there’s both sadness and celebration in that.   (mostly celebration.)  i’m still here for one reason:  there’s purpose in it.  God still has reason to keep me here.  there’s still something to be done through me, if i will allow it.

i’m celebrating today, because the God Who created heaven and earth still has an agenda that includes me!

you’re still here, too.  that must mean His agenda for you is not complete.  so celebrate!  because God is not done healing, transforming, and renewing you.

from the inside out.

“yes, and from ancient days I am he. no one can deliver out of My hand. when I act, who can reverse it?”  isaiah 43:13

the other morning i was driving to school feeling discouraged.  helpless.  out of control.  lost.  frustrated.  full of questions.  questions you’re not supposed to ask:  why am i here?  God, what are You doing?  what are You thinking?  what good are You working in this season?  i don’t see it.  i don’t feel it.

i’m starving.

i’m dying.

i know it.

so i’m praying this aloud when i notice that traffic has slowed to a crawl on the interstate.  i hear and see an emergency vehicle pass by, and i pray for whatever is going on.

i’m still crying out to God when i realize i’m inching past the scene of the accident.  glancing over to my left, i watch as the paramedics begin to extract a woman from her crushed vehicle, stretcher waiting.  i pray.

in an instant i’m flashing back years and years ago when the emergency crew extracted me from my vehicle onto the awaiting helicopter.  the enemy’s plan was to take me out that day, but God said no.  not her.  not now.  not here.  not today.  she’s Mine and she still has purpose.  and I say no.

my prayer changes.  oh, God, thank you!   i’m NOT DYING.  i’m STILL HERE.  i’m NOT DEAD.  i’m ALIVE.

and i’m NOT STARVING.  because You are the one who feeds my soul.  Jesus feeds my soul.  and it doesn’t matter.  it doesn’t matter what else or who else isn’t giving me what i think i need.  Jesus feeds my soul, and i live.  i thrive.  i have purpose.

because Jesus feeds my soul.

“be still, and know that I am God.”   psalm 46:10

ever find yourself in the midst of a season that just makes you tired?  it’s one thing after another.  and just about the time you think you’re about to settle down, fuel up, and recover….wham.  something else happens.  you breathe out a sigh and ask yourself (and God) “no way. seriously?”

i find myself there these days.

spinning my wheels. pushing myself, the limit, and the envelope.  i’m wearing thin.  and i think it’s my fault.  i’ve deceived myself into thinking that if i can be organized enough i can maintain some kind of control.  just make a plan.  and work the plan.  right.

wrong.

i’m exhausted.  in every sense of the word.

well, i guess i would be.  it takes a lot of energy to organize, maintain, juggle, and control.  to DO all that stuff.

today a friend reminded me that when we live by the Spirit, we don’t DO.  because the Spirit doesn’t say DO.  that’s the flesh.

the Spirit says BE.

BE still.  BE quiet.  BE aware of My presence.  BE with Me.

BEING doesn’t take anything from us.  BEING with the Lord, resting in His strength, soaking up His presence, hearing His voice over us… it does just the opposite.  it fuels us.  and when we’re full of God, we have what we need to go out and BE what He calls us to be to the world –  the forgiver. the peacemaker.  the hands and feet of Jesus.

and at the end of the day, we’re not tired.  we’re at peace.

i don’t know about you, but i am in desperate need of peace at this moment.  so i’m asking the Lord to visit me.  to show me what needs to go.  to deliver me from my DOING and the stress that comes with it.

and to teach me how to BE. that’s all.

just BE.

“then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry, and He will say, here I am.”  isaiah 58:9

“for My yoke is easy; My burden is light.”  matthew 11:30

as my second graders eagerly gathered on the carpet thursday for the science lesson, i walked over to pick up our materials kit, hauling it to the meeting area.  it was rather heavy, and i strained under the load.

with a groan i set the crate down in front of the children.  darren spoke up loudly, “miz goude, you know you really need a MAN to do that for you.”

oh, my.  the look on my face must have said it all, because the rest of the students gasped.  i gave darren a hard time for a few minutes, ragging him about calling me weak until he apologized profusely (on his knees, at that.)  we all had a good laugh (including him) at his expense. i then thanked him for his concern and worry that i might actually overdo it and injure myself.

it wasn’t until this morning that i began to reflect over the scene.  here’s the thing… in my little second grade this year, i have TEN very capable boys who would have gladly moved that crate to any area of our classroom, had i asked.  yes, TEN.

and they were right there.  all ten of them.  right.  there.

think for a moment.  isn’t that just like us in our walk with God?  we stress and strain to accomplish some task, externally or internally, all by ourselves.

and all the while, God says, “here I am.”  and Jesus says, “take My yoke upon you.  My yoke is easy; my burden light.”

He’s right there.

what are you hauling around in your spirit at this moment?  are you battling some fear, planning some task, wrestling within your soul trying to forgive someone and it’s just not happening?

listen to God’s voice say to YOU, “here I am.  take My yoke upon you.  my yoke is easy, My burden light.”

He’s right.  there.

so what are you waiting for?

“I know the plans I have for you, “declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you, not to harm you, to give you hope and a future.”    jeremiah 29:11

my little chair sits at the edge of the waves.  little pen in hand, i write feverously in my little notebook.

i can’t let this moment get away without putting words to it.

all across the beach this morning, and i mean everywhere,  little children are laughing, running, playing, exploring, and experiencing the ocean in their little hats and teeny swimsuits.  it’s the sweetest thing to watch.

yet, i’m just a little bit sad, a little bit grieving.

how desperately i wanted that.

wanted to feel a little one grow and kick inside my belly.  wanted to be someone’s mommy, the one reached for, cried after, the one to nourish, soothe, cradle and nurture.

“I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord.

“in his heart, a man plans his course, but the Lord orders his steps.”

i must never forget what He said.  it’s all i have to hold onto.  all i have that explains why.

why I never got it.

we all have dreams and expectations.  some we realize, and some we have to lay down and let go.

i remember a doctor’s appointment near the end of our 10-year infertility journey.  i was alone in the exam room following a procedure, our last try.  i lay there praying for God to move His hand inside my abdomen, to use His power to make it all work.

tears streaming out the sides of my eyes, i heard myself offer up the most bizarre prayer.  “oh God,” i sobbed, “you know how my heart longs for a child.  but Lord, i belong to You.  i’m Yours.  and You alone know the plans You have for me.  if this is Your plan, let it come forth.  but God, You see ahead.  You see the big picture.  if for some reason only You can see, this isn’t Your plan for me, if there isn’t purpose in it, then God, please. don’t do it.”

where did that come from?  i was relieved no one could hear me.  after all i’d been through, why on earth would i pray this way?

the procedure failed.  after that we stopped trying.

it was a long, painful rebellious process for me, making peace with God’s answer.  even though i had prayed and believed, it still hurt.  we are human, after all.

BUT GOD… is patient, His mercies new every morning.

in the years to come, since then, i’ve realized “the plans I have for YOU.”   “mother” plans…

*twenty-eight classrooms full of little children whose hearts needed a teacher in love with Jesus;

*five adorable nieces who fell in love with their aunt mary when they were little;

*countless babies in the nursery who needed to be comforted;

*orphans in foreign lands needing food and education;

*a handful of jerusalem school kids who needed a teacher to offer unconditional love and speak healing over their land.  who still have a special place in their hearts for one miss mary;

*a 12-year old named jared who deserved a caring step-mom;

*two sweet, tiny grandbabies who need a mimi to go with their g-daddy;

*sunday school children who needed to hear that they could have great adventures with the Lord, just like those people in the bible;

*and yes, a bunch of wild marching band kids who need a safe place to wrestle with issues of faith.

a different kind of motherhood, but motherhood nonetheless.

Isaiah 54 says, “sing, o barren woman, you who have never born a child.  burst into song and shout for joy, you who were never in labor, because more are the children of the desolate woman than that of her who has a husband.”

and so, through tears of sadness mingled with the joy of the presence of the God in my life, i sit in my chair at the water’s edge, still watching and listening to all these little ones thrill at the creation of God as they try to catch sea gulls, fill their buckets with sand and water, and pull off their swimsuits to run naked into the waves.

and i marvel at the plans i know He has for each of them.

the plans He’s had for me.   the plans He still does.

“you are My witnesses,” declares the Lord, “and My servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know Me and believe Me and understand that I am He.  before Me no god was formed, nor will there be one after Me. I, even I, am the Lord, and apart from Me there is no savior.”  isaiah 43:10, 11

there was a storm at the ocean today.  while most others gathered their belongings, scattered, and fled the beach, tim and i sat right through it.  listened to the thunder, watched the lightening, fixed our eyes on the angry wind and waves as they assaulted the shore.

for nine minutes.  then it was over.

it was over in nine minutes because that’s how long God told it to last.  because the wind and the waves obey Him.

as i marched toward the waters, God spoke several scriptures to my heart.

“the voice of the Lord is over the waters; the God of glory thunders.”  psalm 29:4

“where were you…when I said, “this far you may come, and no further; here is where your proud waves halt?”  job 38:11

“do you send lightning bolts on their way?  do they report to YOU and say, “here we are?”  job 38:35

“have you journeyed to the springs of the sea?  or walked the recesses of the deep?”  job 38:16

“the disciples were terrified and said, “Who is this?  even the wind and the waves obey Him.”   mark 4:41

as my steps led me into the waters,  i spoke out a scripture with each one, celebrating the greatness, the awesomeness, the power of God.  the God who created all this.  who sustains all this.  the God who wants to know me.  KNOW me.  know ME.

and i was reminded what it’s all about.  and what it’s NOT all about.

it’s not about rules.  it’s not about church.  it’s not about gifts.  it’s not about serving.  it’s not about giving.  it’s not even about evangelizing.  in fact, it’s not about DOING anything.  it’s not.

be upset if you like, but it’s not.

so what IS it about?  God says it’s about knowing Him.  and believing Him.  notice it doesn’t say knowing about Him.   it says knowing HIM.  believing HIM.

a relationship.

apparently God desires relationship with everything He’s created.  all this talk in the scriptures about giving directions to wind and waves and lightning, telling deer when to calve, naming stars, giving the moon a place to hide at night.  not to mention the 9 months He spent knitting together each of us in our momma’s belly (psalm 139.)

as i marveled over these truths today, out in the waves, i wondered why i never heard this stuff in sunday school or church growing up.  i surely heard about the famous people in the bible and their stories of interacting with God, but i don’t remember anyone ever telling me much about the character of God Himself and how He wanted to know me and interact with me. it never occurred to me that i could have adventures with God, too.  stories of my own to tell.

i have to say i’m a little jealous of the winds, the waves, the lightning, the deer, the stars, and the moon.  they’re in constant contact with God their Creator.  they hear Him say when to go left, right,  stand still.

i want that.

and guess what?  i can have it.  yes, i can.

God says i can.

because God wants me to know Him.  and believe Him.  it’s what i was created for.

and so i’m going to.

“for the word of God is alive and active. sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”  hebrews 4:12

“He sent His word and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.” psalm 107:20

my back aches. my hands are numb.  i am covered with dust.

but my heart has never been happier! i’ve spent the morning sanding a piece of furniture. a piece that, when it’s finally done, promises to be absolutely beautiful.

if it doesn’t kill me first.

see, i’ve already painted this old vanity/desk once. actually primed, painted, and textured. i was so proud. it looked beautiful on the outside, but as the days passed and i set different things on top of it, i realized the layers of paint were chipping off. i was discouraged to find a glaze underneath; something i should have taken care of before the makeover.

so i’ve tackled the project this week. and it has worn me out. scraping and sanding myself crazy, i’ve discovered not only a glaze, but layers and layers of paint underneath the glaze that i didn’t even know were there. layers that i had covered up but that still affected the function of the piece.

sanding my heart out this morning, sawdust blowing everywhere, i thought to myself, “what a mess. i wish i had taken care of these layers earlier, then my paint would have stuck and my work would be much easier.”

bam. it hit me. this is so like the healing process of the heart, my own heart even.

the “stuff” i haven’t dealt with, the layers of unhealed hurts, they affect the way i function – the way i treat myself, treat others, the way i make decisions, do relationship, resolve conflict (or not.)

for example, years ago a friend confronted me with this truth: “mary, you don’t trust men. you don’t respect them, and you have authority issues with them.” these weren’t words i wanted to hear, but i prayed about it anyway, asking God to reveal the truth of my heart. i met with a spirit-filled counselor, and together we walked through the issue. as i opened my ears and listened God, He revealed to me so clearly that because of my father’s suicide (i was 10) i grew up with some anger and distrust toward men. even toward God.

what followed was a season of healing – difficult, but so freeing. the word of God delivered me from that bondage, emptying me of that layer of pain, rendering it useless to affect my function in this life. PRAISE GOD!!!

as i continued sanding down through the layers of paint this morning, i thought of so many things that we don’t want to deal with, don’t want uncovered, don’t even realize we’ve been carrying around. things that affect our function in this life. things like fear, anger, unforgiveness, resentment, and the need for control. what brought these into our souls? where did it start? from what do we need healing?

my paint wouldn’t stick because of the rough layers underneath. sometimes in this life, i try to put on contentment, happiness, trust, or peace in a situation, but it seems it won’t stick. i see now the reason could be a layer underneath, a layer of something that needs to be dealt with.

back to my desk. i’ve decided to do the hard work of scraping and sanding off these layers. it will take effort and time, but when i’m done, it’s going to be so much easier to paint this piece so that it will function the way it was made to.

my prayer for my own heart today is that God would reveal to me the layers of hurt that still need healing in my life, hurt that is keeping me from functioning the way i was meant to. and that i would be willing, even if it’s hard work, to hear His word.  to allow Him to scrape and sand and clean me out so that i’ll be free. free to love myself, love others, love Him, and do relationship the way i was designed to.