“follow Me.”  (Jesus, at least 18 times in the gospels)

my heart is still racing.  and i mean racing.  i arrived at school early this morning, and even as i sit here writing, i marvel that i am still alive.

i shouldn’t be.

not 15 minutes ago, i sat screaming in my car as i realized i was running a red light in the middle of a MAJOR intersection during rush-hour traffic.  countless cars from three directions could have and should have run me over.

they didn’t.  i’m still here.

the minute… and i mean THE MINUTE i crossed under the light (and once i stopped screaming in shock and thanks to God) the Lord spoke to my heart and asked me this question:  “who are you following right now?  who are you allowing to lead you this morning?”  ahead of me was a large, white truck, a truck that in fact, saw the red light and chose to run it.

as for me, my mistake was this:  i was following too closely to that truck.  i never even saw the light.

as i drove the remaining five minutes to school, a thousand thoughts flooding my mind, i reflected on how often this happens in my journey with God.  and i asked myself some questions, some hard questions:

-who am i truly following?

-who am i allowing to lead me?

-am i following God’s voice?

-or the pastor’s?

-or my favorite ministry?  band?  music?

-a christian speaker i admire?  favorite blogger?

-a close friend?  someone i perceive as spiritual?

-today’s “word” from a present-day “prophet?”

-do i take my cues from a devotional?  from someone else’s journey?

–or am I relying on the Word alone? 

-God’s voice to me? 

-am i deaf to every other voice but His?

listen, i’m not saying we shouldn’t receive instruction and encouragement from those God has gifted as teachers, preachers, pastors, and counselors.  what i am saying is that i hear the voice of the Lord over my heart this morning, warning me, cautioning me not to follow too closely, not to allow anyone or anything BUT HIM to lead me.  to set my path.  to determine my course.

every word from any other human should be sifted.  taken before God and offered for His approval, His blessing.  no matter their track record, their following, their history, their “success.”

Jesus said very plainly, “follow ME.”

thank you, mighty God, for sparing my life this morning.  thank you for this Word to my heart.  i ask You to continue to speak Your word over my life, to give me eyes to see Your hand, ears to hear Your voice, ears that would be deaf to every other voice that would speak over me in place of You.  give me wisdom to know who and what aligns with Your heart, who and what stands in agreement with the whole counsel of God.  thank you again for the mercy and grace you extended me this morning.  i repent, i turn from following anyone or anything too closely.  it is idolatry and nothing less.  You are God, and there is no other.  You alone are King, Deliverer, Savior, and Lord.  i bless Your name this morning, O God.  and i love your son, Jesus.  I ask You, God,  to do whatever it takes in me so that i will follow You.

You.

“yet they that wait upon the LORD will renew their strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not be weary, they will walk and not faint.”   isaiah 40:31

one of my fondest memories of living in east jerusalem among the palestinian people for two years is hearing the phrase, “i waiting you, miss mary.  i waiting you.”

arab shopkeepers often heartily spoke out this goodbye as i left their stores promising to return again soon.  we would part with wide smiles on our faces, looking forward to the next exchange, conversation, cup of arabic coffee.  they are a loving, energetic, positive people.  i miss them.

but back to the phrase.

“i waiting you, miss mary.”

“i waiting YOU.”  not my business, not my purchase, not what i might bring along.  just ME.  my  presence.  my friendship.  who mary is.

i do believe i have been misunderstanding the above scripture for some time now.  i think i’ve (mis) read between the lines to hear, “they that wait up on the Lord to do what they are asking,”  or “they that wait upon the Lord to change the person who is interrupting their lives right now,” or “they that wait upon the Lord while doing lots of religious stuff in order to earn what they’re asking for,” or even, “they that wait upon the Lord in righteousness while everyone around them is so wretched and evil.”

oh.  the arrogance.  of my own heart.

i’ve been waiting for the wrong things.  for the wrong reasons.  with the wrong motives.

what the scripture SAYS is, “they that wait upon the LORD will renew their strength.  will mount up.  will soar.  will not become weary.  will not faint.

the LORD.  His presence.  His wisdom.  His comfort.  His rebuke.  His word.  His revelation.  His friendship.  just Him.  God.  Jesus.  the Holy Spirit.

when things don’t go as i expect or wish, when people aren’t moving or growing or changing at the pace i (think i) need, what i really need is to wait on GOD.  not the people.  not the events.  not the circumstances.

i need to wait upon the Lord.  to give me what i need.  to BE what i need.

then and only then will i experience the rewards of that waiting:  strength.  endurance.  encouragement.

i waiting YOU, Lord.

for peace, healing, deliverance, understanding, wisdom, patience, love, kindness, forgiveness, grace, generosity, endurance, faith.

i waiting You.

“Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure.  the boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely i have a delightful inheritance.  i will praise the Lord Who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me.”   Psalm 16

i had the strangest dream last night.  tim and I were at home, hosting a celebration of some kind.  the house was full of adults and children.  i was in the kitchen, looking for something when i noticed these tiny electric grills on the counter, covered with drippy bacon grease.  a slimy mess for sure.

shaking my head in disgust, frustrated that someone didn’t clean up their own stuff,  i decided right then and there i didn’t want that mess in my kitchen.  as i began to push the grills around and wipe the grease, i accidently flipped on a switch.  before I knew it, the grease began to smoke, on the verge of sparking up.  i panicked, yelling frantically for tim.  the kitchen was about to go up in flames.

end of dream.

waking up, i immediately recounted the dream to my husband.  mind you, i do realize that sometimes dreams are the result of eating junk food at midnight. but sometimes they mean something.  throughout scripture God spoke to His people in dreams, and on occasion God speaks to me this way.

so i asked the Lord to give me ears to hear the message of the dream.  and this is what He said…

“in your dream, you were cleaning up a mess that wasn’t yours.  you didn’t create it, no one asked you for help, and I certainly didn’t call your name to step into it.  you decided that the situation was unattractive, uncomfortable, and unacceptable.  furthermore, you assumed you knew the way to clean it up.  in the process, you almost burned down your house and the people in it.

“you are Mine.  I own you.  you are My sheep, called to listen to My voice and follow Me.  when I call you to step out of your own yard and join Me in another yard, you should obey.  however, unless you hear My voice calling you into that yard, you should stay where you are.  to venture out without My covering and direction causes risk to yourself and to those around you.  physical risk, emotional risk, relational risk, spiritual risk.”

sting.

sting.

sting.

how many times have i trespassed into someone else’s “yard” without hearing the Shepherd’s voice call me there?  how often have i observed someone else struggling through their “stuff,” and because of my own discomfort i stepped into a situation in which i had no business?  and how many times (countless) have i offered  unsolicited counsel, opinion, advice?  spoken words that cannot be taken back?  made the mess even bigger because of my intrusion?

i am thankful to God, Who continues to teach me.  with grace beyond measure, unlimited patience, and overwhelming love, He holds onto me and allows me to experience His mercy, “new every morning.”

and i am learning to wait.  to wait for His voice.  His direction.  not unlike waiting for the traffic signal to change.  proverbs 21 says, “he who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity.”  i am asking God to give me ears to hear His voice, louder than all the other voices that want to speak over me.  honestly, to make me deaf to every  voice but His.  and to teach me to stay in my own yard.

God forbid i make the matter worse.

God forbid i put others at risk.

God forbid i burn my own house down.

“I am the Bread of Life.  I am the Living Water.”  Jesus Christ

my fifteen first-graders scurried to line up the minute they heard the whistle blow.  recess was over, and we were heading back to the classroom.  for no real reason, i took a short cut and led them through two other portables straight toward our “purple cabin.”

as grass became pavement, i heard a gasp and several voices filled with concern.  i turned around to find my class hovered around a small, feather-less baby bird on the sidewalk.  he was not alive.

“oh, noooooo, miss goude, he’s dead.”

“what are we gonna DO about this?”

“he’s so young.  where are his parents?”

“what happened to him?  how did he get here?  did they push him out?”

“he’s so little….  oh, why did he have to die so SOON?”

“we should have a funeral, like we did for the fish last year.”

“this makes me so sad.”

“he didn’t get a chance to live.”

i reminded the children that for everything created, there is a time to be born, a time to live, and a time to die.  some live a long life, and some live a short one.  we don’t understand the reasons. 

we tossed around a few ideas about what to do with “the body.”  no one felt good about leaving it on the concrete.   as we discussed the options, the sound of loud chirping interrupted us.  the baby’s parents were overhead on a wire, none too happy about our interference.  a little nervous now, the children settled on saying a prayer and leaving the scene. 

they asked me to pray.  i offered a handful of words, thanking God for His creation and asking His blessing on all the animals living around our school.  using a folded sheet of paper, i scooped up the bird, laying its skinny body underneath our portable, in the shade but where the parents could still see it.

“wow, ya’ll, i think it’s interesting that WE are the ones who found this bird.  we NEVER walk this way from recess, but today we DID.  and we got to put this baby bird in a safer place.  isn’t that amazing?”  i asked.

diana responded, “well, here’s what i think happened.  i think God TOLD you to walk this way, because He trusted us to take care of His creation.  and i think the whole thing was on purpose.  i think He knew we would do the right thing.  that’s what i think. “

every little first grade head nodded in agreement.  and that was that. 

we walked back into our classroom.

later on, i began thinking about that baby bird.  no doubt he died waiting to be fed, hoping for something to sustain his life.  in all likelihood, he died hungry.

then i started thinking about the world in general, even people i know.  people who are hungry.  hungry in their souls.  hungry in their spirits.  waiting to be fed.  waiting for someone, anyone, to bring them something to sustain their lives.

and i asked myself a hard question.  “what am i offering to those around me?  what am i prepared to give to a hungry world?”

look around you.  most people live on their phones.  even in restaurants, so often i see a couple at a table, and one of them is texting or talking.  the other eats in silence.  no conversation.  no encouragement.  no connection.  nothing feeding the relationship.

others are sustained by the computer.  social networking.  gotta see who commented on my facebook status today.  gotta give my opinion about the latest hot topic.  gotta see who’s looking for me.  they’re great at being online friends, but try to get some wisdom or understanding in person, and you’ll come up dry.

still others arrange their schedules according to the television.  gotta record my show.  gotta see that next segment.  they can quickly report who got kicked off american idol this week, but they don’t have much to say when you share your struggles.  your griefs.  your questions.  your discouragements.

Jesus said, “where your treasure is, your heart is”  and  “out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.”

yes, i’m in the scriptures, but not enough.  yes, i’m on my knees, but not enough.  listen, i speak Jesus when i see an open door, i speak Life into others when i have spiritual eyes to see their needs.  but often i’m blinded by my own and i miss opportunties.  i miss the voice of God calling me to feed the spirits and souls of those around me.  to speak His life-sustaining words over them.

and people die.

they die hungry.

they don’t expect to die before they’re fed, but sometimes they do. 

were they waiting on me?  

are they waiting on you?

“the Father loves the Son and has given all things into His hand.”   john 3:35

“for God so loved the world that He gave His only son…”   john 3:16

i was almost asleep the other night when my husband turned to me and whispered softly, “thank you for the way you love my son.”  there are few words he could speak into my soul that would mean more.

my relationship with jared has grown very sweetly over this first year.  laughter, not taking things personally, giving space to adjust, celebrating his accomplishments, recognizing his talents, welcoming his friends into our home, pestering, lots of hugging, simple things like doing his laundry.

i listen to his opinions, ask for his thoughts.  he named my puppy at christmas.

he’s growing into quite the young man.  he holds the door for me, says thank you for the things i do, lets me in on jokes. together we rag his dad, do the yardwork, and figure out ways to get his chores done so he can have the most free time.  scheduling events that do not interfere with time at his mom’s house; encouraging and respecting that relationship as highly  valuable.

these things mean a lot to him.

this past week i redecorated his room with colors he picked out and painted a faux finish on his walls he first saw in a restaurant.  i spent several days getting it just right.  he came home from camp last night.   he loves it.

during the hours i spent on jared’s room, i thought about those words tim whispered into my ear.  and i wondered:  does God look at me and say the same words about His Son?  is there anything in my walk that would cause Him to thank me for loving His Son?  and if so, what?

Jesus said if we love Him we will obey Him.  obey what?  obey His commands.  what are His commands?  as i search the scriptures i find them spelled out clearly:

-love God

-love my neighbor (and husband)

-love myself

-love my enemies

-feed the hungry – spiritually as well as on a practical level

-give living water to the thirsty

-go to the sick

-visit those in prison

-go out into my “world” and preach the gospel

-be and make disciples of Jesus

we love our families.  we brag on them.  we love our friends.  we spend time with them.  we love our churches.  we invite others to services and events.  but inviting someone to church is not the same as telling them about God’s Son and what He offers.  it’s just not.

it’s out of relationship with jared that i love him.  and it will be out of relationship with Jesus – prayer, fellowship, reading His words – that i will love Him.

and so i find myself looking at the way i live, the words that i speak, the way i spend my money and my time.  and i’m asking myself if those precious words i heard from my husband are words that my God would speak over me.

i sure want them to be.

“but i say to you, love your enemies….. for if you love those who love you, what reward have you?”  matthew 6

“charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.”  proverbs 31:30

the good news:  my nose is not broken, i do not have a concussion, my cheekbone is still in one piece, and the dentist says he is certain he can save and repair what is left of my two front teeth.

the bad news:  today around 11, while struggling with an out-of-control kindergartener at recess, i was pulled to the floor, tripping over her and crashing face-first onto the marble floor in the hallway.

so…………… you just never know what a morning at JERUSALEM SCHOOL is going to bring.  what is it i’ve been told about this adventure of walking with God?  “expect anything, and be surprised by nothing!”

to be quite honest, these last three days in class have been the BEST, by far, of the entire year.  they have.  the lessons have flowed, the students have engaged, discipline has been incredible, and miss mary has been on a roll in the classroom like nobody’s business.

so what has changed?  well, a couple of things.  first, we got internet in the apartment on saturday!  you never saw happier americans in all your life.  really.   a little white box with a blinking light has provided us the freedom to communicate effortlessly with friends and family back home.  we’re thrilled.  and a bit shamed, actually.  one small turn in our circumstances and suddenly everything is rosey?  wonder what that says about the source of our peace?  i’ll let that sink in for a minute, cause i don’t think i wanna go there in my own heart just yet.  secondly, i’ve been starting each day with communion this week.  my friend marcy told me she and her husband have been doing this lately and what a difference it’s making in their day, not to mention their attitudes and hearts.  it’s nothing for show, nothing formal, just a little chunk of cracker and something to drink.  but it’s a reminder each morning that Jesus allowed Himself to be broken for me, that my life was bought with His blood, that a sacrifice of great magnitude was offered on my behalf.  i hadn’t even considered telling anyone i was doing it until now.

interestingly enough, as i broke (crunched on) the cracker this morning, part of my prayer was that Jesus would break me in whatever areas needed.  remember the woman who extravagantly poured out her perfume on Jesus’ feet?  the gift could be given and used only after the seal was broken and the alabaster jar emptied.  so that was my prayer for myself.  broken, empty, ready to be poured out so that people get a little fragrance of Jesus.  a bit scary, but it’s all part of the adventure, right?

it never occurred to me that God would take me literally.

which brings me back to this morning….. i felt myself going toward the floor, but because this child pulled me down, she actually cushioned my fall.  i remember being afraid i had hurt HER.  the next thing i remember is the distinct taste of blood in my mouth and a throbbing in my head.  my tongue seemed to be catching on jagged edges of teeth, and i realized i had lost something that likely wouldn’t be found.  my roommate joy, a kindergarten teacher,  was nearby.  she says my head bounced off the marble floor.  (that explains my now-sore and bluish nose and cheek.)   spitting out blood and trying to raise up, i heard myself scream.  the congregated kids freaked, joy called for help, first aid came to the rescue, and the damage was assessed.  after about fifteen minutes, things calmed down and the secretary made contact with a well-known american-trained dentist on our side of town.  believe it or not, this guy lived four years in nashville, tennessee…. who coulda guessed?  i was offered the option of going back to my apartment but decided against it.  i took some aspirin for pain, got ice for the busted lip, and decided to monitor my last two classes until the dentist could see me around 230.  after all, we dont exactly have substitutes around here.

and this is where it really gets good…

on the way up the stairs, scores of children who had been on the playground earlier rushed to get a close-up of my injuries.  they were fascinated, and some were actually let down that it wasn’t worse.  rumors had circulated, including everything from me busting my head open to having fallen down the stairs.  all in thirty minutes.

over the next 2 hours, both my classes had lots to say on the situation.  i think the best way to communicate this is just to give you a rundown of their comments.  enjoy yourself as you read on…. and feel free to laugh.  (it’s okay.  i did.)

“miss, you look like a vampire.”

“oh, miss… it’s ugly.”

“miss, this happens to my brother.  the teeth – it turns green.  it’s not nice.”

“miss, i was the one who called for you the help.”

“i was so scared.”

“who will teach us now?  go home, and let miss susan come.”

“are we still having the test?”

“where’s the blood?”

“where’s the teeth?”

“where’s the girl?”

“look, miss.  (holds up four fingers) how many fingers am i having?”

“let me see where your head opened….  what?  it didn’t open?  oh.”

“miss, you can’t marry.  it’s not nice now.”

“miss, do you want me to give you my advice?  leave this school.  you’re getting hurt both years.  remember the toenail?”

“miss, did you call THE TIM?”

“miss, do not marry.  you will be dancing with the husband like this (arms out, dancing.) and you will smile like this (wide, toothy smile.)  then, he will see this (points to teeth.)  miss, it’s not nice to marry. (grimaces.)

“miss, anything you need, i am the one to do it.  let me teach.”

“yeee. the lip is bad.  we will get for you the snow from the freezer.  it will go down.”

“oh, no.  the miss is not a beautiful princess now.”

“DON’T WORRY, MISS.  YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THE BEAUTIFUL ONE FOR ME!  I DONT CARE.”

“no, miss.  don’t show me it.  i can’t look.”

“it looks better from far away.”

and my personal favorite, from louis.  remember louis from last year?  he’s the one who said one day of the noise in the hallway, “miss, it’s a forest out there.”  well, today louis really hit the nail on the head.  after everyone else had voiced their opinions, louis looked me straight in the eye and said, “miss, it’s a test of God.  to see if you’re a real christian.  to see if you will forgive.”  and the minute he said it, someone else offered, “no, don’t forgive.  you will hate them now, yes?  you will hate the girl and her brother.”

the room got quiet.

i said to louis, “yes, i will forgive.  because that is what being a follower of Jesus is all about.  in fact, louis, i have already talked to the girl and her brother and told them both that i do not hate them or their family, that i will forgive her.  even with a busted lip and missing teeth.  i forgive her.”

later at the dentist’s office, he asked me how the accident had happened.  he said God allowed it to happen for a reason.  he assured me he would make me “pretty again.”  i recounted the louis conversation.  and i said to him, “you know what?  today, pretty isn’t about my face.  or my teeth.  today, pretty took on a whole new meaning.

today, at jerusalem school, pretty looked like forgiveness.”