free indeed

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23 october 2016

“so if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed.”  John 8:36

i remember like it was yesterday.  we kissed our parents goodbye that morning, and my brother, sister and i walked to school as usual.  by the time we got home everything had changed.  we were fatherless.

it’s been 45 years.

i’ve never understood why my father made that decision.  i’ve asked myself a thousand times how he could choose to leave a wife and three children.  he was needed.  he was loved.  he was our hero.

this morning at the lexington church of God, the pastor spoke a message called “unloading,” about getting free from the stuff that weighs us down – the stuff we can’t (or won’t) let go of, deal with, admit, confess, take out of hiding.

stuff that holds us captive, takes our peace, steals our joy, keeps us from walking out God’s call on our lives.

it was an incredible word.

he had prepared a different sermon until God changed his direction on thursday.  i’m so thankful he said yes and put his previous message aside, emptying himself to make room for the word God wanted to bring forth this morning.

he shared scripture and testimonies about others dropping their baggage.  getting free.

but he didn’t stop there.

this shepherd humbled himself, took off the mask, and got real with his sheep.

he spoke of a dark, personal struggle not so long ago – one in which he battled through a season of deep depression.  discouragement so crippling that, until he walked through it himself, didn’t even believe existed.

at its worst, this darkness found him watching his family drive off to the store as he stood inside at the window and contemplated suicide.  he described the thoughts that ran through his mind that night as he fought the temptation to get his gun…

“i was convinced they’d be better off without me.  i imagined all they could do with the insurance money.  i felt i just weighed them down anyway.  ruined everything we tried to do together.  had nothing left to offer them.”

i was mesmerized.

paralyzed.

hanging on every word.

it was as if my own father’s voice was speaking, explaining.

i began to weep uncontrollably.

what a prophetic word for me.  God allowing me to finally understand what my daddy had been thinking that day.  i just sat there, tears streaming, as God set me free, ministering healing to my broken heart.

still crying, i walked up front and in the Spirit i laid down 45 years’ worth of baggage on that altar.  baggage that has held me hostage.  kept me from trusting.  kept me from connecting with others for fear of being left unexpectedly.

explains why i didn’t really fight for my first marriage as it ended.  why i let him leave me.  i guess i always expected him to anyway.

explains why, when things get tense around the house, i’ve invited tim to go if he wants to.  why i won’t let him help me.  why i don’t admit i need him.

explains why I’ve been able to let go of people and places and jobs so easily.  it’s not hard to let go when you don’t allow yourself to really connect.

today i left that place with a lot less baggage.  i’m pretty sure i won’t miss it.

outside the world seemed happier.  the sun brighter.  my steps lighter.  trusting feels safer.  i’m a lot more free.

free indeed.

tonight I’m thanking God especially for healing, for revelation, for freedom.  for men of God who aren’t afraid to be authentic, who have ears to hear God’s voice louder than all the others, who love and trust Jesus to set them free.

from the inside out.

20 thoughts on “free indeed”

  2. This really touched me. My mom left my dad and 5 children for another when I was 11 years old. Abandonment issues have a profound effect on a life. If a mother cannot love me, I must be unloveable…

    So thankful that Jesus has made a way for our freedom by taking all the pain, rejection & penalty for us. I love you Mary,

    Sharman

    Sent from my iPhone

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  6. Thank you for sharing this , Mary. Thanks be to God for giving you this moment of understanding so you can move past this hurt. Your messages are always an inspiration to me. Love you!

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    • brody, i miss you too! every day. you were (and are) such an encouragement to me, and God has used you to remind me that He Himself made me to be a teacher. i LOVE spending my days at school, and we truly did have a fabulous year! you are growing into a wonderful young man. i know your parents are so proud of you. i feel blessed to have been your teacher. thank you for commenting on the post. some things are difficult to remember, difficult to process, and difficult to write about. AND healing. all at the same time. i guess that’s just God’s way. love to you and your family!!! mrs. goude ❤

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      • I’m very glad and I will tell them that don’t be shocked when kinley comes to school and asks her teacher to give you something from Brody love you And those biscuits expesually inside out!!!!!! Lol remember there’s always God near by ready to give hope and encouragement from me love and miss you
        -Brody

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